I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
