I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
