She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
