I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
