OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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