why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
