Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
