I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
