Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
