he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize