Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
