You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sponge bath it is.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
