wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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