This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
