I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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