That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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