That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
