I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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