The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
