How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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