Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
