I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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