A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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