I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
