I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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