just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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