He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
