Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
