I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
