How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh god it's open bar.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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