apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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