i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is the high leading the old right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
