yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
