I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize