I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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