Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
