Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
