I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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