Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
