dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
