The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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