It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
