i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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