chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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