When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
