....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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