so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
