Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
