Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
