R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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