The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
