My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
