i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
