I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
