There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
