im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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