im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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