ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
