and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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