People in love make me want to vomit
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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