i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
