Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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