I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
